lying on the couch, listening to quiet piano music, trying to calm myself down, in a state of unrest. I am unsettled, something is causing me grief. I guess I just default back to self-loathe. What a vice, to hate ones’ self. Maybe I should listen to less gloomy music.
I’m just being very unproductive at work, and not really finding any motivation. I feel like I’m just screwing up at school, not doing very well on exams, because I haven’t been very well prepared, and I’ve been neglecting some things in my research. By some things I mean I haven’t really done anything on the elastin samples of our last calf.
I’m having buyers’ remorse for my sister’s laptop because it’s too thick. 1.5″ to be exact, which is only .1″ taller than my laptop, but it feels chunkier in the hand. Even if it is about the same weight. I’m just scared I got the wrong one. The wrong one for ~$1200.
Mandy’s gone… for 5 weeks in Alamosa, CO. She’s doing a rural health rotation for OB/GYN (Paul, if you’re reading this, you know what I mean). She has roommates, so I can’t call at ungodly hours… not like I do anyway, I just let myself get sucked into depression. But if I wanted to call her, I couldn’t for fear of waking her roommates. Hopefully she’s doing better than I.
I have to save a lot of money this year. I am very bad at saving money. For example, my credit card statement this month said a hair over $1200. I had enough to cover it, but I’m only saving like $125 this month. I’ll have to do much better than that. So if anyone wants to donate to the Phil Kao fund, you can obtain my address via email.
God is absent from my life. Realize though, this is not his fault, but mine. I am the path, trodden, hard, dry, full of nothing but bitterness and sadness. I don’t know what to do. Just give me a damned sign… I need to know you’re there.
I believe that’s enough of the old “down and out” for tonight. Pray if you will. Sorry everybody. Comment if you care (to).