I like reading from Good Poems for Hard Times more than the bible. Am I going to hell?
Jesus, I just want to have a relationship with God but I can't get away from what really sent me into the place I'm in. I hate myself, and I can't stop it, so all my failure and my shame tells me I'm never going to be a christian. But I think a lot of that comes from my view of god, and my ideas of how to be in a relationship with him. I still hold tightly the read-the-bible-every-day-and-pray-really-early-in-the-morning-or-you're-not-really-trying-to-follow-god kind of view. I'm trying to divorce that from my christianity, but they bought a lot of stuff together, and there wasn't a pre-nup so they're still duking it out for the house. I just wish that lying cheating bastard would get the hell out.
And that's the way it goes, isn't it? We get bullied by ourselves, spurred on by our need to be accepted and known, manifested in sick and perverted christianity that serves the self more than the neighbor, and the ego more than our self-acceptance. All of it leads to a divine executioner and a graceless existence. But I hope the crows taste the gallows meat from an inward, personal christ, and the true savior can take his throne for once. And so I'm not pushing it. If I go in to it, I'll turn away, I know it. I'm unlearning the undue pressure on me, and I'm getting better. God, I hope I'm getting better.
Mandy's already heard all this. Probably a couple of you have as well.